St. Patrick’s Day was last night and I was thinking about posting a wee, tiny article yesterday afternoon as a sort of ramp up to get everybody jazzed, (like I did for the Oscars) but it’s Saint P Day and no one in their right mind needs any jazzing up. Who am I to get readers excited about the sunshine or a new born baby???? My audacity aside, I’m writing this now because P-Day hangovers are much more relatable it seems and let me tell you, bud … I am a certified mess right now. And what did I do early this morning before passing out, you ask? What did I get up to after leaving two pretty girls and the biggest biceps in the world behind at some neon-flashing hipster excuse of a pool hall???? What did I, Jeffrey, end up doing after and during the vague memory of stumbling home, eating pizza pockets with my roommate’s girlfriend (again … very vague memory) and probably keeping the neighbors awake with my rendition of Bono singing Hakuna Matata????  Well thanks for asking, I played video games!

Which game did I play until dawn? I’m sorry I didn’t hear you ask. I’m not going to tell until readers of this cockamamy website ASK me. Not to be a a meany or a big D-bag or anything but I am really hung-over and if I start writing about this amazing game then the gushing is not going to stop and honestly … I don’t think I have it in me right now. (I’m writing this at a kitchen table covered in half-empty beer bottles and a series of plastic cups dedicated to the German tall ship Gorch Fock II. I need sleep like a tiger needs a piglet to spoon with but worry not for when I descend back into the darkness I won’t leave you there without at least a few hints as to what, in my humble opinion, the greatest video game ever made is. I’ll give you a few hints. I’ll give you a few hints as stats similar to those printed on the side of the Gorch Fock II cup. Just to make things fun.

Mystery Awesome Video Game II (It is a sequel)

American

Class: A (I suppose because it’s amazing.) More like Class Skywalker … yeah.

Length Over All: Unlimited, because every time you play it can be completely different and always evolving.

Can’t get it yet? It’s ok you’re just slow so I’ll keep going.

Mast Height: Shit um … about 3 ft because unfortunately that’s about as far as I can huck the controller when I lose.  (That was not a comment on the size of my living room, that was a hint.)

Sails: In the United States of America alone this game has moved over 2.21 million copies* on Playstation alone (see what I did just there?) although what video game worth it’s salt hasn’t?

Year: You all are so lucky that ‘Year’ was written on the Fock cup. Released in North America on November 1st 2005 and in the European Union on October 31st 2005. Happy Halloween Ricky Gervais, you got to buy it before Greg Daniels. (So much political satire this site is like a bad Doonesbury Comic.)

Rigging: Bark

Crew: Depends if you use the ‘garrison’ bonus.

[*According to vgchartz.com]

Alright if you can’t guess by now then I just don’t know what to do with you. I however need to go back to bed because I am suffering. I await your futile guesses!

The Pride Of Germany Besides Ramstein

Unfortunately, tonight the streets and strip clubs will be empty as the 82nd Academy Awards airs and Hollywood gives itself the biggest most obnoxious pat on the back since Juno. Yeah I’ll be watching it, what?! Step off punk I’m only one man but I’m also one nerd and I’d rather be playing video games. So while I’m watching it besides being depressed and suicidal over the fact that The Hurt Locker won’t win anything I’ll be thinking about what movies would make the best games! This is a gaming site, right? Right???? Just shut up and read this.      It may seem like Avatar would be the obvious choice for a good game, hell it’s already been made but I’ve seen the film FIVE TIMES already. If I wanted to crawl any further up Pandora’s ass I’d cover my naked body in blue paint and hunt stray dogs with my bow from the wood of hometree. (Hometree is the faux wood siding on my roommate’s station wagon.) But I can’t do that tonight because all my friends are going to be inside watching the bloody Oscars! I may be good but I just can’t corner a pack of feral mutts all on my lonesome. I’m no Jake Sully. (Topical joke(Tropical movie))

The Secret Of Kells: The Game

This one is simple enough. If the game is as much fun to play on drugs and the movie is to watch on drugs, well I would just never leave the house now would I? 

Probably the most underrated and unknown of the Best Animated category The Secret Of Kells is actually one of my favorite movies this year and I really hope it’ll win. But that chesterfield will probably go to UP. 

Precious Based On The Novel ‘Push’ By Sapphire: The Game Based on My Nightmare “Precious” Based On The Novel blah blah blah you get the idea

I imagine the game would be simple, like Precious and involve levels increasing in difficulty where the player gets points or ‘good grades’ for stealing as many buckets of fried chicken as possible. The manager at Popeye’s would get more and more comically irate after each level and the game would get harder and harder until the gamer eventually loses, like Precious. Also there would be some crappy bonus literacy games for the kids or the stupid, like Precious.  

My god I hope that terrible movie can just stop winning awards but with America feeling bad enough about slavery, (freaking still) that they’ve elected a black president I feel like anyone in the Academy who doesn’t vote for Precious will be seen as a humungo racist. They’ll be … blackballed???? I’m here all week try the veal it’s delicious. 

Invictus Idol

A microphone game where the player tries to perfectly imitate Nelson Mandela’s rich yet confusing accent. A whole lot harder then one would think, especially if the player isn’t from South Africa or has the special edition of Blood Diamond. 

The Blind Side: The Game

Just a simple Christian high school football game but with Precious as an unlockable bonus character. (Not really a ‘bonus’ as you’re pretty much playing as her anyway. KABOOM! SHAKE THE ROOM!) Also it would involve lots of praying so the game will sell REALLY well with the rural crowd. (They find time to play between ploughing their field and their sister.) 

The Blind Side was probably the dumbest/funniest/dumbest movie this year besides Old Dogs and I hope with every ounce of me that it wins every single award and then some. It winning best picture will give me an excuse to never watch movies ever again. 

French Roast: Let’s Get Raunchy

Nominated for Best Animated Short I haven’t seen it yet but that title sticks out the most out of ALL the movies as having potential for a pretty good porn game.

I mean, Precious would work if the movie was called Push but the only sex there is far from loving. (At least it should be you sicko!) However I’m sure someone, somewhere out there disagrees with me but lets not get into the opinions of people from Dryden Ontario. That would depress me more than the movie.  

The Hurt Locker would be a perfect gay, “less than straight” sex video game chock full of sweaty, naked soldiers wrestling around and trying not to explode before they’re in the safe zone …. I have to go for a little bit. God I hope Guy Pierce would lend his talent to that game.

Enjoy the Oscars! 

OK I get it, this isn’t about video games at all but my god … you will love it. I just wanted to share this with as many people as possible. YOU WILL LOVE IT!!!!

… The lyf so short, the craft so long to lerne, Thassay so hard, so sharp the conquering,  The dredful Ioy, that alwey slit so yerne, Al this mene I by love …

If Geoff Chaucer were around today I feel Valentine’s Day and the idea of romantic love would hold much more difficulty for his frilly medieval brain. He wouldn’t be so concerned with the celestial palace of Venus or some gaggle of horny birds as he would be with what us modern nerds struggle with this time of year. Lying to your parents over the phone by telling them that you indeed have a real girlfriend and settling in with the real February 14th task of deciding who you and your TV will actually be dating.

In other words, who is the hottest video game heroine, which one would be the best girlfriend material and which one are you going to spend Valentine’s Day with?

Romantic love might be outdated but commitment isn’t. Who would you choose???

…. Than prayde him Scipioun to telle him al, The wey to come un-to that hevene blisse …

Nariko – Heavenly Sword (2007)

Yeah she’s an obvious contender. So strong, so exotic, so smoking hot. But is she really the right choice? She’ll prove, like her game to be very beautiful but very time consuming. Women right? Am I right boys?! Nariko will require constant attention and will literally take up the entire night but it could be worth it just to see the way she moves. She is indeed a smoking hot lady but being born in 2007 means she’s only three years old and despite how hot she is, (my glasses are fogging) rest assured that no judge in the world, (Utah?) would believe the hair-brained story that you thought she was eighteen. No sir. Her fake ID might look impressive like the rest of her, (glasses are now sweating somehow) but is hard time really a way to spend the international day of affection? Because your cell-mate will certainly have a lot of affection to give. Affection and STD’s. (Probably also a frightening nickname related to how much of a bitch you are but now I’m just spit-ballin’.)

Sorry Nariko, you’re a super hot piece of tail, but I want to spend my time away from jail. You just got nexted!

… The day gan failen, and the derke night, That reveth bestes from her besinesse …

Dixie Kong – Donkey Kong Country 2 (1995)

Sure, she’s a little homely but you’re not perfect, why should you expect your girls to be? Dixie may have a little extra hair  here and there but she’s energetic, agile and athletic and is probably a demon in the sack. (The ugly French ones are always the best.) Oh and she’s tons of fun! However the best reason to spend V-Day with Dixie is that it would piss off her bosom buddy Donkey Kong. That hairy shit-eating bastard thinks he’s sooooooo freaking cool. I would LOVE to slap that smug look right off his stupid bushy face. It’s always satisfying to get revenge on an enemy but it’s important to remember that Dixie does have a boyfriend and by dating her you’re in for some real monkey business. (Eh?) There’s nothing worse than a jealous ape and if you choose to partake in Dixie Kong’s wild ride it’s going to be the first express train to feces town with her beau and personally I respect my nice sweaters too much to have them sullied by jealousy and poo.

Apologies Dixie but you are a no go for launch, (and don’t ever go to Chinatown or you’ll be a go for lunch).

… Citherea! thou blisful lady swete, That with thy fyr-brand dauntest whom thee lest …

Lara Croft – Tomb Raider (1996)

Yeah, yeah yeah I know what you’re all thinking and it’s what every other dude is thinking. That Lara Croft is a huge 10 but you’re not even going to try because every other guy knows she’s a huge 10. Well fortune favors the bold you ass so you get out there regardless, fight through the crowds of undeserving losers and you show a real woman a real good time.

She may not want to jump your bones, (let’s be real here) but at the very least she’ll respect you for trying despite her obvious hotness advantage and you may even spark up a wonderful friendship. That friendship could evolve later on into her setting you up with some of her hot, (but most likely emotionally damaged) girlfriends while she marries a greek god of a pilot or children’s brain surgeon who rescues dogs on the weekends. Just because she’ll never be attracted to you doesn’t mean she isn’t a real human being and likes having real fun.

But for the purposes of romance admitting that Croft could never be a real gf possibility is the same as renting a tux and jumping into oncoming traffic; stupid and terrible.

No dice home slice! Lara Croft is out of your league … for now.

… And in a privee corner, in disporte, Fond I Venus and hir porter Richesse …

Ms. Pac-Man – Ms. PAC-MAN (1981)

There she is! There’s our girl! Despite what you might be thinking try to avoid forced vomiting and just give her a chance. She may not be totally fit and she’s probably not the smartest ball on the court but we all know how active she is. She’s very protective and doesn’t take shit from ANYONE, living or otherwise. She’s a pill-popper so you know she’s going to be tons of fun at parties and she’s a very healthy eater. Nothing but bananas, pretzels and the odd ghost here and there. (She’s only human, I think.)

She’s fat so she’s not picky and she’s divorced so naturally she’s desperate. She must be. She likes fashion and make-up, (knows what colors best match her particular skin tone) and that bow is just darling!

Yes I think we’ve done it. So when you’re spending your Valentine’s night in your basement with a sixer and an atari game system don’t go thinking for one second that you’re settling. Not a god-damn second, you hear me?!?! Ms. Pac-man is a wonderful girl with a pure soul and a beautiful mind. And who knows, she may just surprise you… I can’t imagine how but you never know.

… For this was seynt on Volantynys day, Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make …

-The Parliment of Fowles by Geoffrey Chaucer

*******Just a healthy disclaimer: The man pictured is only a suspect and is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. Bad Cartridge and it’s editors are not accusing anyone of anything and the purpose of this article is purely that of jest, fun and nothing malicious is intended.********

That’s right folks, he’s not so super anymore! The Toronto cop squad and The Toronto Star released the gorgeous above mug shot  following an investigation of possible arson after a suspicious office building fire in the GTA. It seems the gaming icon can fend off hoards of giant dinosaur kings and ten-year-old boys but he still can’t manage to figure out what security cameras are. Guess he’s a few bricks shy of a castle but it’s tough being a 16-bit living in a icrap world.

All assumptions at this point are that years of killing turtles and giant mushrooms has finally taken it’s tole on the famed plumber-hero and he has snapped like a dry twig. Maybe after never really getting any from a certain stuck-up virginal royal he just wants to see the world burn. (Also Prince Harry hasn’t returned his calls since Halo was relased.)

Worse still, as far as we know this digital maniac is still at large so keep your ears to the ground and your eyes firmly on your pocket-books because there is no telling where the Japanese-Italian super criminal will strike next. My guess? Syphoning gas from the winnebagos parked outside Wal-mart while preparing to steal candy from babies.

Just like Channing Tatum I knew he was too good to be true.

Recession. That is a word that unfortunately exists. As long as that word exists things will never be cool. Grapes will never be plentiful, Bus fare will always be feared and strippers will never be pricier than right now. What I mean to say is like a good fitting pair of fine leather slacks, funds these days are tight. So with the freak month February upon us an important choice must be made by all mankind. A choice I never thought I would ever have to make. Buy Bioshock 2 or buy Earthworm Jim for my iphone. The curse of the human spark is that we’re plagued with difficult choices. 

Bioshock 2———————————————————————————–

 Pros:

-First game was arguably the coolest thing in the entire world short of Dubai.

-I expect it to have impressive gameplay, interesting multiple outcome story-lines and amazing graphics just like the first. (I also want it to serve me lattes and do my taxes.)

-The Big Daddy is too cool for most kinds of school. Even Catholic. Especially Catholic. 

Teagan and Sara Present The Cons:

-It’s going to cost me an arm and a leg, probably both. (They’re NOT getting any of my quickly thinning hair. I need to cherish each one while they’re still around.)

-It’s going to consume me to the point of no bathing for freaking weeks. (Instead of my usual no bathing for freaking days.) 

-Big Daddy halloween costume is just as impossible to pull off as a Sack Boy outfit or a chubby girl dressed as a sexy maid. (Sexy anything, really.)  

Earthworm Jim—————————————————————————-

Pro-biotic Cultures:

 -By far the coolest game of the golden age of gaming: the 1990’s. (And don’t you dare say Donkey Kong Country! You all know how I feel about that hairy banana-stealing bastard!)    

-MUCH cheaper at a price tag of about three buckos. (That’s less than two falafels on cheap falafel day! You guys!) 

-Better iphone investment than the Shotgun app. (Although not by very much)

-I can play it WHENEVER I’m bored or at funerals. (In other words a lot.)

Con Air:

 -It’s probably too damn cool like me.

-Too many sexy ladies will want to have sex with me which could severely impact gameplay. (Many women will tell you I’m a terrible multi-tasker.) 

-Too many people’s heads will explode when they see how amazing it is. (In this economy I can’t afford that much paper towel.) 

Sidney Lumet’s The Verdict————————————————————-

     Like an albino monk I think the choice here is fairly obvious. Unlike an albino monk Earthworm Jim won’t make me want to puke. 

I saw the real-life Donkey Kong and let me tell you he is as much of a bastard in person as he is in his video games. I’m taking the subway home from work the other day, as you do, and I saw the most peculiar thing. A large, grumbling, hairy beast of a man carrying a big ol’ bag of cans, most probably homeless. I know gross right? It’s down right sickening. If you want to leave your computer and go throw up on your front lawn I wouldn’t blame you after that nauseating mental image. But trust me you’ll feel much better after doing the truffle shuffle on the FRONT LAWN of YOUR HOUSE WHICH YOU LIVE IN. Believe me when I tell you that the sight of this man was worse then the eek of a rancid shrimp cocktail, (which funnily enough was my nickname in high school).

So how does this relate to Atari’s original bad-ass Monster Gorilla? (Sorry George from Rampage but you were too little too late.)

I guess moldy soup cans weren’t doing it for Chump-Change anymore because he takes it upon himself to start harassing the people on the train. A few slimy kisses here, a couple hard gropes there and as soon as you can spit most of his end of the car has cleared. Commuters couldn’t sanitize their hands fast enough. Save of course for the one woman buried in a set of fat, pink headphones and the latest issue of ‘Get Your Head Out Of Your Ass And Take A Look Around You‘ monthly. (Vice?) So he takes her in his arms and is all “C’mon lover, let’s move to Reno and forget this noise!” Romance. 

Thank Picard the Subway Cop was near because I sure as Kirk wasn’t about to be a hero. (What!) In the blink of an eye and with a flash of his bright red coat subway cop charged the Gorilla and his new Princess Bride. Monkey Man of course decides to do the most logical thing and he starts winging cans every which way. Not just little soup or beer cans either! This monster was packing big guns in his trash bags. I nearly took a giant crushed apple juice can to the side of my pretty face. It was almost ‘good-bye Playgirl’ for me. 

I got lucky as my reflexes are shot from many years of many beers but watching Subway Cop was a down and out religious experience. Bobbing, weaving, dodging, beautiful. He didn’t get hit once, it was poetic. It was like if Robert Frost wore a fake plastic badge and beat up CHUDs for a living. He was almost there but somehow, SOMEHOW the Grizzly Adams of metro hobos managed to scamper off to the next car with his reluctant lady friend. Subway DeNiro followed close behind but something tells me unless he’s the best Subway Cop in the world the scuffle was probably going to go on for quite a bit. 

However it was Friday night and Subway Cop had really bad skin so maybe, just maybe with a little luck, a lot of patience, a three litre jug of grape soda and no girlfriend he may actually have gotten his monkey. I wasn’t going to stick around to find out though as it was friday night and I have a life. That and the fact that paralyzed with fear I was six stops off course and I really needed to double back which unless your without home is never fun.

Admittedly, I knew who Eleanor Jackson was before I had heard any of her music. I mean that hair, right? It’s wild! Interestingly, the first time I had experienced one of this milky-white songstresses piercing pop ballads was over the Bayonetta TV spot. And I was damn happy to hear it!

You all know the one I mean. Some late-evening flicking through basic cable to find re-runs of King Of The Hill and you stumble on lightning images of Bayonetta’s slinky title character kicking ass and breaking hearts. Combined effortlessly with the Skream  re-mix of  Brixton UK’s synth sensation La Roux’s ‘In For The Kill’, it’s lead singer Jackson’s haunting vocals that make nerds like us simply melt into our sofas and wish it was her in the leather jump suit. BOOM! Get it? Because she’s hot as hell. Tilda Swinton hot. Yeah. 

Then I look at myself in a mirror. I take a hard look. A good hard look bud. Summer is approaching faster than usual this year and it’s La Roux that’s going to get me in shape. 2010 is going to be my year and if I want regular lovin’ from someone as bodacious as Elly Jackson I need to start asking myself What Would La Roux Do? Every time I want to drink beer and eat cookie dough in the bathtub or coat pizza pockets in ranch dressing so I literally don’t have to chew them I’m going to think about how the group La Roux feels about this. Would sweet Eleanor really want to date a guy who considers getting up in the morning a sport and doesn’t take showers because he “doesn’t trust the man”? 

So the next time you’re on your Ikea Fun Couch (or whatever) waiting for Jeff Dunham to come back from break and you see that righteous spot for Bayonetta really ask yourself what you’re doing with your life exactly and ponder whether or not all that cheezie powder on your fingers is truly necessary. After all, What Would La Roux Do?

Also, do your roommates a well-needed favor and for once see that the sounds of physical agony muffled by your bedroom door are nothing more than you deciding to pack in seven hundred sit-ups instead of six. Point of interest: Victoria Beckham does seven hundred a day. Are you going to be shown up by Posh Spice?