Google ‘Stupid Academy Awards’ and Joan Rivers’ Picture Appears Numerous Times.

Unfortunately, tonight the streets and strip clubs will be empty as the 82nd Academy Awards airs and Hollywood gives itself the biggest most obnoxious pat on the back since Juno. Yeah I’ll be watching it, what?! Step off punk I’m only one man but I’m also one nerd and I’d rather be playing video games. So while I’m watching it besides being depressed and suicidal over the fact that The Hurt Locker won’t win anything I’ll be thinking about what movies would make the best games! This is a gaming site, right? Right???? Just shut up and read this.      It may seem like Avatar would be the obvious choice for a good game, hell it’s already been made but I’ve seen the film FIVE TIMES already. If I wanted to crawl any further up Pandora’s ass I’d cover my naked body in blue paint and hunt stray dogs with my bow from the wood of hometree. (Hometree is the faux wood siding on my roommate’s station wagon.) But I can’t do that tonight because all my friends are going to be inside watching the bloody Oscars! I may be good but I just can’t corner a pack of feral mutts all on my lonesome. I’m no Jake Sully. (Topical joke(Tropical movie))

The Secret Of Kells: The Game

This one is simple enough. If the game is as much fun to play on drugs and the movie is to watch on drugs, well I would just never leave the house now would I? 

Probably the most underrated and unknown of the Best Animated category The Secret Of Kells is actually one of my favorite movies this year and I really hope it’ll win. But that chesterfield will probably go to UP. 

Precious Based On The Novel ‘Push’ By Sapphire: The Game Based on My Nightmare “Precious” Based On The Novel blah blah blah you get the idea

I imagine the game would be simple, like Precious and involve levels increasing in difficulty where the player gets points or ‘good grades’ for stealing as many buckets of fried chicken as possible. The manager at Popeye’s would get more and more comically irate after each level and the game would get harder and harder until the gamer eventually loses, like Precious. Also there would be some crappy bonus literacy games for the kids or the stupid, like Precious.  

My god I hope that terrible movie can just stop winning awards but with America feeling bad enough about slavery, (freaking still) that they’ve elected a black president I feel like anyone in the Academy who doesn’t vote for Precious will be seen as a humungo racist. They’ll be … blackballed???? I’m here all week try the veal it’s delicious. 

Invictus Idol

A microphone game where the player tries to perfectly imitate Nelson Mandela’s rich yet confusing accent. A whole lot harder then one would think, especially if the player isn’t from South Africa or has the special edition of Blood Diamond. 

The Blind Side: The Game

Just a simple Christian high school football game but with Precious as an unlockable bonus character. (Not really a ‘bonus’ as you’re pretty much playing as her anyway. KABOOM! SHAKE THE ROOM!) Also it would involve lots of praying so the game will sell REALLY well with the rural crowd. (They find time to play between ploughing their field and their sister.) 

The Blind Side was probably the dumbest/funniest/dumbest movie this year besides Old Dogs and I hope with every ounce of me that it wins every single award and then some. It winning best picture will give me an excuse to never watch movies ever again. 

French Roast: Let’s Get Raunchy

Nominated for Best Animated Short I haven’t seen it yet but that title sticks out the most out of ALL the movies as having potential for a pretty good porn game.

I mean, Precious would work if the movie was called Push but the only sex there is far from loving. (At least it should be you sicko!) However I’m sure someone, somewhere out there disagrees with me but lets not get into the opinions of people from Dryden Ontario. That would depress me more than the movie.  

The Hurt Locker would be a perfect gay, “less than straight” sex video game chock full of sweaty, naked soldiers wrestling around and trying not to explode before they’re in the safe zone …. I have to go for a little bit. God I hope Guy Pierce would lend his talent to that game.

Enjoy the Oscars!