Gorillas And The Fist or How I Learned To Start Worrying And Hate Donkey Kong.

I saw the real-life Donkey Kong and let me tell you he is as much of a bastard in person as he is in his video games. I’m taking the subway home from work the other day, as you do, and I saw the most peculiar thing. A large, grumbling, hairy beast of a man carrying a big ol’ bag of cans, most probably homeless. I know gross right? It’s down right sickening. If you want to leave your computer and go throw up on your front lawn I wouldn’t blame you after that nauseating mental image. But trust me you’ll feel much better after doing the truffle shuffle on the FRONT LAWN of YOUR HOUSE WHICH YOU LIVE IN. Believe me when I tell you that the sight of this man was worse then the eek of a rancid shrimp cocktail, (which funnily enough was my nickname in high school).

So how does this relate to Atari’s original bad-ass Monster Gorilla? (Sorry George from Rampage but you were too little too late.)

I guess moldy soup cans weren’t doing it for Chump-Change anymore because he takes it upon himself to start harassing the people on the train. A few slimy kisses here, a couple hard gropes there and as soon as you can spit most of his end of the car has cleared. Commuters couldn’t sanitize their hands fast enough. Save of course for the one woman buried in a set of fat, pink headphones and the latest issue of ‘Get Your Head Out Of Your Ass And Take A Look Around You‘ monthly. (Vice?) So he takes her in his arms and is all “C’mon lover, let’s move to Reno and forget this noise!” Romance. 

Thank Picard the Subway Cop was near because I sure as Kirk wasn’t about to be a hero. (What!) In the blink of an eye and with a flash of his bright red coat subway cop charged the Gorilla and his new Princess Bride. Monkey Man of course decides to do the most logical thing and he starts winging cans every which way. Not just little soup or beer cans either! This monster was packing big guns in his trash bags. I nearly took a giant crushed apple juice can to the side of my pretty face. It was almost ‘good-bye Playgirl’ for me. 

I got lucky as my reflexes are shot from many years of many beers but watching Subway Cop was a down and out religious experience. Bobbing, weaving, dodging, beautiful. He didn’t get hit once, it was poetic. It was like if Robert Frost wore a fake plastic badge and beat up CHUDs for a living. He was almost there but somehow, SOMEHOW the Grizzly Adams of metro hobos managed to scamper off to the next car with his reluctant lady friend. Subway DeNiro followed close behind but something tells me unless he’s the best Subway Cop in the world the scuffle was probably going to go on for quite a bit. 

However it was Friday night and Subway Cop had really bad skin so maybe, just maybe with a little luck, a lot of patience, a three litre jug of grape soda and no girlfriend he may actually have gotten his monkey. I wasn’t going to stick around to find out though as it was friday night and I have a life. That and the fact that paralyzed with fear I was six stops off course and I really needed to double back which unless your without home is never fun.