Saint Valentine’s Day! Choose Your Virtual Girlfriend.

… The lyf so short, the craft so long to lerne, Thassay so hard, so sharp the conquering,  The dredful Ioy, that alwey slit so yerne, Al this mene I by love …

If Geoff Chaucer were around today I feel Valentine’s Day and the idea of romantic love would hold much more difficulty for his frilly medieval brain. He wouldn’t be so concerned with the celestial palace of Venus or some gaggle of horny birds as he would be with what us modern nerds struggle with this time of year. Lying to your parents over the phone by telling them that you indeed have a real girlfriend and settling in with the real February 14th task of deciding who you and your TV will actually be dating.

In other words, who is the hottest video game heroine, which one would be the best girlfriend material and which one are you going to spend Valentine’s Day with?

Romantic love might be outdated but commitment isn’t. Who would you choose???

…. Than prayde him Scipioun to telle him al, The wey to come un-to that hevene blisse …

Nariko – Heavenly Sword (2007)

Yeah she’s an obvious contender. So strong, so exotic, so smoking hot. But is she really the right choice? She’ll prove, like her game to be very beautiful but very time consuming. Women right? Am I right boys?! Nariko will require constant attention and will literally take up the entire night but it could be worth it just to see the way she moves. She is indeed a smoking hot lady but being born in 2007 means she’s only three years old and despite how hot she is, (my glasses are fogging) rest assured that no judge in the world, (Utah?) would believe the hair-brained story that you thought she was eighteen. No sir. Her fake ID might look impressive like the rest of her, (glasses are now sweating somehow) but is hard time really a way to spend the international day of affection? Because your cell-mate will certainly have a lot of affection to give. Affection and STD’s. (Probably also a frightening nickname related to how much of a bitch you are but now I’m just spit-ballin’.)

Sorry Nariko, you’re a super hot piece of tail, but I want to spend my time away from jail. You just got nexted!

… The day gan failen, and the derke night, That reveth bestes from her besinesse …

Dixie Kong – Donkey Kong Country 2 (1995)

Sure, she’s a little homely but you’re not perfect, why should you expect your girls to be? Dixie may have a little extra hair  here and there but she’s energetic, agile and athletic and is probably a demon in the sack. (The ugly French ones are always the best.) Oh and she’s tons of fun! However the best reason to spend V-Day with Dixie is that it would piss off her bosom buddy Donkey Kong. That hairy shit-eating bastard thinks he’s sooooooo freaking cool. I would LOVE to slap that smug look right off his stupid bushy face. It’s always satisfying to get revenge on an enemy but it’s important to remember that Dixie does have a boyfriend and by dating her you’re in for some real monkey business. (Eh?) There’s nothing worse than a jealous ape and if you choose to partake in Dixie Kong’s wild ride it’s going to be the first express train to feces town with her beau and personally I respect my nice sweaters too much to have them sullied by jealousy and poo.

Apologies Dixie but you are a no go for launch, (and don’t ever go to Chinatown or you’ll be a go for lunch).

… Citherea! thou blisful lady swete, That with thy fyr-brand dauntest whom thee lest …

Lara Croft – Tomb Raider (1996)

Yeah, yeah yeah I know what you’re all thinking and it’s what every other dude is thinking. That Lara Croft is a huge 10 but you’re not even going to try because every other guy knows she’s a huge 10. Well fortune favors the bold you ass so you get out there regardless, fight through the crowds of undeserving losers and you show a real woman a real good time.

She may not want to jump your bones, (let’s be real here) but at the very least she’ll respect you for trying despite her obvious hotness advantage and you may even spark up a wonderful friendship. That friendship could evolve later on into her setting you up with some of her hot, (but most likely emotionally damaged) girlfriends while she marries a greek god of a pilot or children’s brain surgeon who rescues dogs on the weekends. Just because she’ll never be attracted to you doesn’t mean she isn’t a real human being and likes having real fun.

But for the purposes of romance admitting that Croft could never be a real gf possibility is the same as renting a tux and jumping into oncoming traffic; stupid and terrible.

No dice home slice! Lara Croft is out of your league … for now.

… And in a privee corner, in disporte, Fond I Venus and hir porter Richesse …

Ms. Pac-Man – Ms. PAC-MAN (1981)

There she is! There’s our girl! Despite what you might be thinking try to avoid forced vomiting and just give her a chance. She may not be totally fit and she’s probably not the smartest ball on the court but we all know how active she is. She’s very protective and doesn’t take shit from ANYONE, living or otherwise. She’s a pill-popper so you know she’s going to be tons of fun at parties and she’s a very healthy eater. Nothing but bananas, pretzels and the odd ghost here and there. (She’s only human, I think.)

She’s fat so she’s not picky and she’s divorced so naturally she’s desperate. She must be. She likes fashion and make-up, (knows what colors best match her particular skin tone) and that bow is just darling!

Yes I think we’ve done it. So when you’re spending your Valentine’s night in your basement with a sixer and an atari game system don’t go thinking for one second that you’re settling. Not a god-damn second, you hear me?!?! Ms. Pac-man is a wonderful girl with a pure soul and a beautiful mind. And who knows, she may just surprise you… I can’t imagine how but you never know.

… For this was seynt on Volantynys day, Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make …

-The Parliment of Fowles by Geoffrey Chaucer