Tough Choices: Earthworm Jim or Bioshock 2 – Cookies or Sex

Recession. That is a word that unfortunately exists. As long as that word exists things will never be cool. Grapes will never be plentiful, Bus fare will always be feared and strippers will never be pricier than right now. What I mean to say is like a good fitting pair of fine leather slacks, funds these days are tight. So with the freak month February upon us an important choice must be made by all mankind. A choice I never thought I would ever have to make. Buy Bioshock 2 or buy Earthworm Jim for my iphone. The curse of the human spark is that we’re plagued with difficult choices. 

Bioshock 2———————————————————————————–

 Pros:

-First game was arguably the coolest thing in the entire world short of Dubai.

-I expect it to have impressive gameplay, interesting multiple outcome story-lines and amazing graphics just like the first. (I also want it to serve me lattes and do my taxes.)

-The Big Daddy is too cool for most kinds of school. Even Catholic. Especially Catholic. 

Teagan and Sara Present The Cons:

-It’s going to cost me an arm and a leg, probably both. (They’re NOT getting any of my quickly thinning hair. I need to cherish each one while they’re still around.)

-It’s going to consume me to the point of no bathing for freaking weeks. (Instead of my usual no bathing for freaking days.) 

-Big Daddy halloween costume is just as impossible to pull off as a Sack Boy outfit or a chubby girl dressed as a sexy maid. (Sexy anything, really.)  

Earthworm Jim—————————————————————————-

Pro-biotic Cultures:

 -By far the coolest game of the golden age of gaming: the 1990’s. (And don’t you dare say Donkey Kong Country! You all know how I feel about that hairy banana-stealing bastard!)    

-MUCH cheaper at a price tag of about three buckos. (That’s less than two falafels on cheap falafel day! You guys!) 

-Better iphone investment than the Shotgun app. (Although not by very much)

-I can play it WHENEVER I’m bored or at funerals. (In other words a lot.)

Con Air:

 -It’s probably too damn cool like me.

-Too many sexy ladies will want to have sex with me which could severely impact gameplay. (Many women will tell you I’m a terrible multi-tasker.) 

-Too many people’s heads will explode when they see how amazing it is. (In this economy I can’t afford that much paper towel.) 

Sidney Lumet’s The Verdict————————————————————-

     Like an albino monk I think the choice here is fairly obvious. Unlike an albino monk Earthworm Jim won’t make me want to puke.